Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
mood
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
normalize having existential bread
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family