everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
When you “pspspsp” too hard
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!