The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary