ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.