Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
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[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.