My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I鈥檇 be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You鈥檒l think, is that a man or a woman? It won鈥檛 matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Where鈥檇 he go? 馃槀馃挍
doggosbeingdoggos
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I鈥檝e made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Looking through 15鈥檚 yearbook:
Me: you鈥檇 crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
馃槖
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he鈥檚 the only one that ever does anything around the house.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I鈥檓 not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.