Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back