If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
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Life is a suicide mission.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.