After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.