Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
they finally got him. they got macavity
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Realize this:
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.