[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
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Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess