Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
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My background check bounced.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.