What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
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I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Practicing safe sax
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.