All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
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Succinctly put.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
beware of dog
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.