Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
You Might Also Like
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.