My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If I ignore life will it go away?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.