So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.