Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
You Might Also Like
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
mechanics be like
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake