gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?