Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Discuss
Who says great literature is dead?
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
*limbos away from your hug*
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop