Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
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they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter