When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out