dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions