Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.