Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
My time has come.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.