When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents