just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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HOW DARE YOU
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos