This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Mood.. 😂
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities