[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
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Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.