For the ones in the back.
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Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Same pineapple, same
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is βmandatoryishβ so he doesnβt actually NEED to do it.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Welcome to your 40βs. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
if you didnβt want me to hide in your closet you shouldnβt have said you had the hiccups
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, βI canβt drink coffee, Iβm not an old person yet,β and now I hate everything.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My husband doesnβt understand why I donβt just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop Iβm going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge π
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.