Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
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felt that
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I love the honesty
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
When someone trying to leave me
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
mariah carrie
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.