I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
You Might Also Like
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
❤️❤️❤️
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Thursday
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw