I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
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Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.