People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*