*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
My birth announcement for our third baby
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself