I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.