Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
he was correct
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”