*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.