What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.