I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
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Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Important reminders
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.