Take my advice, I’m not using it.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
forgive me baja for i have blast
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget