Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Name another movie that mislead you?
yall want some gasoline milk
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.