Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
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If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!