it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Golf would be better with landmines.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!