Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”