If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!