Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I’d … I’d rather not.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.