Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly