Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
shit just got real
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.