The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I just tested negative for patience.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Does it…does it take 3 days
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT